It's been so long since I've posted....and I should be in bed, but my mind is going 100 places right now, so I will try to write. ( I hear it's therapy, but I always pitied my teachers at school when they had to read my writing...)
This week I heard the Dr say something to me I never figured I would hear. It's still kinda a dream. He said,(in a deep monotone voice) "It's never easy to say this, but your tumor is cancer." What???? I feel fine, I say. I don't have much pain, just a little every now and then. Sure I have blood in my stool, but thats just from a bleeding ulcer....I mean I have a lot going on in my life, and it's probably just stress. That was gonna be his line....but I heard, what in the back of my mind I feared I had all along....cancer. Colon cancer.
The rest of the day is a blear. You get pricked for blood...to see if the cancer has spread....while your still trying to think that through, you meet with the surgeon who tells you what he's gonna cut out and put back together again....he's kinda like a plumber he says...only that it's your organs he's talking about plumbing. Nice.
We get out of that one and go back to the hospital for a cat scan. The radiologist says that the dye they are going to shoot in me will make me feel all hot, then cold ,then like I wet myself. He's right. It all happens in that order.
I keep thinking how are we going to tell the girls...most cancer patients they know, have died, even though we've prayed and prayed for their healing. But in the end we don't tell them the "c" word. We just tell them Mommy has to have surgery to remove the bad thing in her tummy. But they know something is up. We all cry alot these days.
But this week wouldn't be complete without writing about all the good things that have happened. We have been carried on the arms of love....yes carried. So many people have prayed, and have shown that they care. When you read in the Bible about the "peace that passeth all understanding" that has been the state I have been in. I know what it's like to have JOY in the midst of this. That... only can come from GOD. The sense that GOD is WITH US, has been so REAL to me. And there has been much to rejoice about this week. My tests all came back that my cancer hasn't spread. Thank you JESUS!!!
More than ever, I know that my life is not my own. It is not my story to write. I'm part of a much bigger picture. It's not about me....it never has been. It's about the one who died for me, whose love is much bigger and deeper than anything I can ever imagine. A love I want to know more of....Jesus.
2 years ago